So here I am again, as so many times before: when the stress from daily weekly monthly work subdues and is distanced away by the calm of holidays, on the seaside (preferably), in the summer heat, with sudden appearance of bucketloads of time to ponder a million things, I return to the personally essential question: what is my purpose what do I want how I want it and how to move towards achieving what I want.
The continuous brainstorming session is tiresome and thank love that I have a partner that has other ideas (which are nevertheless awesome anyway). Perhaps I come to a clear patch in all the brain chaos and start planning, charting, building up the roadmap for the next half a year, two years, half a decade...
I'm frustrated and without much hope I will achieve what I want, I'm slow and incapable, I fail too many times to see the progress and confidence. I think to myself I'm exaggerating and I come back to plans with more hope and desire.
In fact there's not much choice, I think, perhaps I just need to be smart enough, realistic enough, and strong enough to say no to whatever is not an A priority.
There's so much bad stuff going on in the world right now. Apart from war (in Ukraine and other parts of the world) and pandemic (COVID19), there's looming and increasingly unavoidable planetary catastrophe incoming anyway. So what's the use figuring out what is my purpose? What's the use following my strongest desire to compose and perform computer music?
This all sounds like hard-core pessimistic bad trip. And it is, and it's very dark, and there's light too. Perhaps I'm delusional but perhaps on a ship that is sinking music and art can make life still bearable? Hope dies the last and perhaps art can keep sustain it till the last breath?
I've fallen deep into this rabbit hole, didn't I?
So I've written in a notepad (paper one), with big capital letters:
C O M P U T E R M U S I C
and right below it, in smaller capital letters:
COMPOSITION. PERFORMANCE. TEACHING.
That's what I'm here for. To compose and perform and teach computer music.
I am of course infected with huge amount of new media art and techno-media skills virii and a fetish for theory and philosophy and activism and just being human and fight the injustices and help my friends and family and procrastinate and forget about myself again and again.